Tuesday, August 9, 2011


It’s been a while since I posted anything, I’m sorry. Usually Derby and I have a very strong relationship, I love it, don’t want to miss practice, can’t wait for the next derby event. Last week didn’t work out that way, the week before wasn’t so hot either. First, my little family experienced some medical issues, these were frustrating and took our attention away from everything else. That was the first week that I didn’t attend practice.

The next week I just felt a little uninspired. The honeymoon phase for me and roller derby has been over for a long time, someone hipped checked those rose colored glasses right off. I still loved it though, even more whole heartedly than before, “See me?? I see these flaws and I LOVE them!!” I’m past that now. Right now the theme seems to be “damn, shit just got serious.”  

Derby complicates things. It takes a lot of time, energy, patience, money, etc. The ratio of reward to stress that I have at this time is probably about 60:40. I figure that if stress ever trumps reward than I need to quit, what’s scary is how real of a possibility that happens to be. Roller Derby started as a lark, and turned into my savior. Being at practice was an escape from being a young mom, having an uncertain relationship, caring for a disabled child, worrying about my siblings, not going to school, working full time, you name it I was forgetting about it at derby practice. Then, derby turned into one of those things to worry about. Now my excitement is tentative, my love flowing a little less freely. I see issues I want to help fix, but I worry about the expense, the toll derby could be taking. The fear is, how much is this worth?

A month or so ago someone told me that I had reached an evaluating stage in life. Whatever, it goes like this; someone turned the overthink switch to ‘on’ and forgot to tell me how to turn it off.
Even with all this I’m excited to go to practice tonight, the off switch may be broken but at least I found the pause button. Here’s hoping I don’t break it.

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE this post. I think you have expressed what every derby girl goes through, but may be too afraid to voice it out loud. Derby isn't always hip checks and great jams-it's also filled with pain, dread, fear and whatever else can be thrown at us. Where we excel as skaters though, is by skating through the mud and coming out the other end (after having cleaned our wheels) stronger then we were before. We will hit more mud puddles and have to sludge through them but as a league, team and family we go through it together and get muddy and then cleaned off together. Metaphorically of course. Your off button may not be found but there is usually a mute button to give you a moment of peace:) Persevere my friend you are not alone.